Asking Eric: Niece wants to know the truth about her father

Dear Eric My estranged niece has a -year-old daughter whom we love very much The father was married with children when she was born and died a sparse days after We strongly feel his parents have a right to know of this fantastic child Grandniece will eventually seek them out By letting them know now it should ease the shock of learning later I should add that grandniece constantly asks who her father is and if we know him Value your advice Loving Uncle Dear Uncle Your first priority should be navigating what your grandniece knows about her parentage especially since she s asking This is critical information for her to receive at the appropriate time and in an appropriate manner Her mother your niece is a key part of this It s not appropriate to overstep by having a conversation with your grandniece that her mother doesn t know about This is complicated by the estrangement Not knowing the nature of the arrangement how you re able to see the grandniece while being estranged from her mom for instance my hands are a bit tied But the first step is talking with your niece about what you re hearing from your grandniece Dear Eric Although I m six years older than my brother I have perpetually considered us close After our parents passed a large number of years ago that all seemed to change I m thankful for holidays and our birthdays as they are now the only time I get a phone call On every anniversary of our mom and dad s birth or death day I have texted a Thinking of message to my brother He has reliably responded This year on our father s birthday I didn t text him as I was sick with covid and pneumonia I did receive a quick text of acknowledgment late that night Within my response I let him know of my illness He replied with a Get well soon At this up-to-date illness had me down for more than a month I expected that he d phone to check on me but I ve yet to receive one Consequently I m re-evaluating my relationship with my brother Although he s an intelligent man a good father and husband he s married to a demanding wife who hasn t encouraged me and my husband to be close with them nor my nieces and nephews When my husband and I visit once or twice a year we feel it s more of an obligation on their part than a warm connection I m tired of it From past experience I know if I address it regardless of my approach he ll become defensive and argumentative My only alternative is to continue bumbling along accepting that my life may not be as central to him as I want to believe Lost Relationship Dear Relationship One of the benefits of having a sibling is that we get to know them anew at multiple times throughout life This can also be a challenge You and your brother have different communication styles While his lack of communication doesn t feel good to you it may not be an indication that you re not vital to him You have expectations and hopes for what the relationship should be which is fine For instance you value calls especially on major days or when you re sick These aren t ridiculous asks But they may not be in your brother s wheelhouse I know this is disappointing and can be hurtful It may be helpful to think back on the time when you felt closer to him and try to identify where those feelings were coming from What were you both doing and saying that signified that closeness to you Are there approaches of adapting certain of those things to your lives now It won t be what it was you write that a great number of years have passed since that time and your family structure is different but by being proactive about recognizing who your brother is now and managing your expectations of that person you ll feel less like you re bumbling along Dear Eric Regarding neighbors going to the trouble to put their dogs on a leash and walk past their own yard to the letter writer s lawn Perplexed Not Pissed Lots of dogs won t go on their own property and decide on their own how far to trip on a leash before they do their business The letter writer can at least know it s very unlikely the neighbors are doing this on purpose Related Articles Asking Eric Grandmom seems jealous of attention injured grandson gets Asking Eric After giving much to networking group entrepreneur gets little in return Asking Eric Grandmother and grandson caught in the middle of contentious divorce Asking Eric Married parent consumed by a crush Asking Eric Over man wants to father a child If the neighbors knew it was upsetting to a particular homeowner they could apparently train their dogs to move along a little further Dog Accidents Dear Dog Accidents This is helpful context Hopefully when informed of the issue the neighbors will help their dogs make different choices Send questions to R Eric Thomas at eric askingeric com or P O Box Philadelphia PA Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas com