Asking Eric: Parents struggle with cutting off financially dependent daughter

Dear Eric My daughter will be in a month but has never been able to entirely help herself She has a degree from a good university but is unable to keep a job for more than a year or so She presently works as a restaurant hostess at a high-end restaurant She has lived with her younger boyfriend for five years with no plans to marry She has bipolar mental issues and has had substantial financial assistance from us all her adult life When and how should we cut her off Her boyfriend doesn t help her financially We fear she will fall apart and become homeless What should we do or not do We have had years of discussions with her about becoming financially responsible A Worried Mom Dear Mom Cutting her off can look different depending on your goals and her goals For instance if your financial circumstances have changed and you solely can t afford it that process is going to be a lot faster than say weaning her off your financial assistance so as to help her get on her feet Hopefully she has medicinal and psychological endorsement for her bipolar disorder This is a good place to start Talk to her and her biological squad about strategies for independent living It s major to clearly articulate what her goals are and what your goals are and acknowledge places where they might not overlap Your goals should be focused on what you can control namely your finances Your hopes for her include her taking control of her own finances but in terms of goals that has to be something that she owns Because her version of taking responsibility for her financial situation may look different from what you imagine That s why it s pivotal to enlist the help and guidance of her care unit who can also point her to other support that will build her skills and provide a social safety net These can be materials to which she returns throughout life Similarly dealing with the boyfriend s lack of encouragement has to be a goal she owns But by showing that you respect her autonomy and you re not the only option available to help her you may make it easier for her to hear your guidance about this relationship Dear Eric My children are grown Two live locally and one super local our home One is married with young children and we see them often spending the majority holidays with them In-laws are unpleasant to say the least Our middle child is in a relatively new relationship that has become pretty serious We planned a beach vacation with my in-laws our kids cousins aunt and uncles for Thanksgiving which everyone seemed excited about when we booked the house Now the middle child will come with his girlfriend for just a scant days and then fly to her family for the actual holiday He has been noncommittal about Christmas because they may again voyage to her family When we got married we alternated holidays with our families or stayed home We were careful not to favor one side over the other I really like his girlfriend but am sad that he seems OK with spending all holidays with her family Any suggestions on how to broach this subject without sounding whiny or critical If it matters she only lately moved to our area Sharing Holidays Dear Holidays Even though Christmas hasn t come yet I d suggest waiting until after the holiday to talk about this with a focus on next year Your middle child is perhaps still working out how to negotiate splitting holidays as the relationship is new and every extended family has its own traditions Related Articles Asking Eric Readers offer creative solutions to address divorce in Christmas cards Asking Eric Mutual friend turns two friends against a third Asking Eric Son and father are fighting but parents still want to celebrate son s birthday Asking Eric Years after operational addiction family remains distant Asking Eric Daughter-in-law s Friendsgiving overshadows family dinner Talking about the plan for next year keeps this from being a conversation about what your child or his girlfriend did wrong In quotes because nothing you ve written indicates you feel this way but often these conversations can end up with one or both sides feeling a mistake has been made Instead approach it from a logistical point of view but don t be afraid to advocate for what you want We love having you at the holidays We also have lots of experience alternating holidays We really appreciated you making Thanksgiving work and it was great to have you for what time you could be here It would mean a lot to have you here for future holidays but I want to know what your ideal is so that we can work together When you both approach this as a time advance puzzle to solve it reduces specific of the emotional tension It s key to remember that he isn t choosing his girlfriend s family over yours that holidays don t invariably have to happen on holidays and that the arrangements on all sides will continue to shift as life and circumstances change too Send questions to R Eric Thomas at eric askingeric com or P O Box Philadelphia PA Follow him on 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