Asking Eric: Baking favor leads to salty feelings

Dear Eric My daughter-in-law s mother appealed my girlfriend to make a dessert for another daughter s bridal shower My girlfriend made a tray of lemon bars so it wasn t a huge undertaking for her The issue is that my girlfriend was not invited to the shower She never charges people for when she makes desserts since she loves to bake Are we being too sensitive because she did not receive an invitation but was questioned to provide dessert Take Away Baking Dear Baking It s not overly sensitive but I wonder what the narrative about all of this is from the daughter-in-law s mother s perspective It s odd I think to have someone in her life from whom she feels assured asking for free desserts but doesn t feel compelled to invite It suggests that your girlfriend is being taken advantage of but it also could just as easily indicate that the mother in question has a skewed view of their relationship Sometimes when people love to bake or to help out in other methods others take that love as a license to overuse them At the very least I hope the mother sent a thank you note but payment would have been most of appropriate The best way to heal bruised feelings around this is for your girlfriend to talk to the mother and tell her she would have liked to have been invited There are a lot of other questions that this brings up Does she veritably know the daughter whose bridal shower it was for instance All this can get hashed out in a calm conversation between them It s likely best that they talk directly No one can go back and redo the event but understanding where each other is coming from will help smooth things over between your girlfriend and the mother Dear Eric As we approach the holidays I am faced with a dilemma A inadequate individuals on my Christmas card list suffered the devastating loss of a spouse in the past couple of years It seems perverse to send a card wishing them a joyous holiday as I know that they are grieving I wonder if you have any suggestions for how to send tactful and respectful holiday greetings to these individuals Grief and Greetings Dear Greetings The holidays bring up a myriad of emotions for a large number of people Even without devastating loss various people can feel grief loneliness and longing alongside bliss love and nostalgia That s why I tend to like a personalized message if time and personal ceiling allow Even a simple You re on my mind and I m grateful to know you can mean a lot Consider a holiday card that is blank inside This will allow you to say what s on your heart without worrying that a pre-printed message might seem tactless At the same time try not to be overly cautious or tiptoe around the facts of people s lives Sometimes when we re grieving what we crave the bulk and get the least is a sense of normalcy So you need not treat them with kid gloves or avoid acknowledging the light and the darkness at this time of year All that to say your friends lives have changed dramatically It s right and kind to acknowledge that It s also right and kind to wish them gratification It s out there for them too and perhaps that s something they re looking for especially this time of year Dear Eric There is a column about a person s father who likes to complain at restaurants Out to Eat My father is very similar and says the same thing about the restaurant wanting feedback but he does it in a disrespectful way toward the servers What I do when my dad goes to a restaurant with me is call ahead to the restaurant and speak to the manager or send an email explaining what they can anticipate from my dad I m not sure what they do in the background but I notice that they typically assign a server who is experienced with diners like this If my dad leaves a small tip I will pretend to go to the bathroom and give the server several additional money to make up the difference Unfortunately having a direct conversation with my dad is not an option but I do think this approach for the person seeking advice might help especially in her small town Related Articles Asking Eric Goddaughter s wedding dress causes huge family rift Asking Eric Years after failed marriage ex can t stop thinking about it Asking Eric Stepchildren s lack of manners reflects on stepmom Asking Eric Conflict between daughter and father traps mother in the middle Asking Eric After relapse mother struggles with shame I hope this helps Polite Diner Dear Diner I like this as a anticipated work-around if conversation with the father isn t an option In my multiple years working in the restaurant industry I encountered all sorts of people and temperaments It s not unfailingly workable to accommodate everyone but getting a heads-up can as you point out help a restaurant set their staff up for success Send questions to R Eric Thomas at eric askingeric com or P O Box Philadelphia PA Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas com